sometimes I write...

...because I am horrible at talking to people. I just never say what I want to say when the time is right. Oh, but with a pen, with a pen I am a lethal weapon. So today when writing my thank you cards I kinda threw it out there. I couldn't help it!!

okay well that just makes it sound like I said something bad doesn't it? Maybe I should back track.

A few weeks ago, the morning after my grad party, I had a talk with someone who is really important to me. He was telling me how great it was for me to have a degree and now I should just go and do something with it. He also said something along the lines of him not having his. He never finished school... which is why we go into this post...

so tonight I wrote to him. We never really have serious talks. In fact that Sunday morning was the most serious talk we have ever had. He's the one I count on to make me smile or laugh and do something absolutely ridiculous with.. so I was slightly caught off guard, maybe not ready to say everything I wanted to say about the subject (especially because it 5 am, wheres my head around then huh?)
Tonight, I finally did. Well, at least on this subject (because believe me there are other subjects that I could and probably should get into with him) Tonight I told him.. Fuck it. So what? some people go to college at 18, some people go to college at 50. Yes I have this degree and I kind of know what I want to do with my life, but am I 100% sure I know what I want to be when I grow up? I know my field... but that's about it. And hey, I may even change my mind five years from now. What matters most is that you're happy and in time you will find your way. Maybe you know what you love and you just don't know how to achieve it yet, or maybe you just don't know what it is you really truly love (well, in an employment relationship I suppose)
Who says you have to know what you want to do with the rest of your life at 18? Why should you have to know?
I flat out told him.. he's 21, he's smart, talented, pretty damn fly, and when the time is right he'll know. He'll do big things one day. When he's ready.

After finishing, closing the card and stuffing it in the envelop I felt this weird sensation of just feeling better. Things I could not say for stupid reasons I can write and just let people know.


We'll both do big things one day ♥

Until Next Time, Disney

Well if that didn't give it away...
My first NYC audition turns out to be a bust. I did HORRIBLE!!!!!!
okay okay maybe not that horrible but still not as good as I could have. I just wasn't feeling this one. I guess I was preparing myself for a slightly different thing. I was thinking more musical theatre I'm gonna be able to do what I do best. Walked in and we did 4 counts of 8 to Black Betty. 4 EASY counts of 8 to be more specific. The hardest part was the double turn at the end and we had prep six turn seven land 8. Dude how did I bomb this one? well.. I did hahaha. Being thrown off by what style it ended up being I kinda lost feeling for it... tried to get into it but I wasn't and of course, messed up the choreography (probably the ugliest hitch kick I've ever done) and was cut after the first hour of the audition.
A few of my friends who came along with me looked really disappointed in themselves after getting cut along with me. I couldn't get myself to feel that way. for 1 I knew I did pretty bad and 2 that was my first audition aside from patriots (which I thought was a bit of a joke) I would never expect to get a job the first audition I go to. I know it needs work, and time, I've gotta figure out my comfort zone and my happy place in an audition room outside of Dean.
As of right now the next audition I have is with The Boston Celtics dance team! =)
I'd like to get one or two more in before that, seeing how that's at the end of the month. If anyone happens to know of any auditions for pretty much anything anywhere in the New England area, drop me a line!!! =)

Until your next posted audition Disney... so long

Bouts of thinking and Inspiration.

Today was a rough day for me. I woke up and I was immediately surrounded by all these negative things. I learned my car needed to be fixed and I don't have the money to repair it so I cannot drive anywhere. This means no beach, no dance classes, no way to drop off job applications, I've got nothing.
There was also some conflict in my house today. I couldn't handle it. I grew up in a home that wasn't that happy, if my brother and I weren't fighting then my mother and father were probably fighting. This does not make for a very healthy childhood... so yea sometimes arguments give me panic attacks and I freak out a bit and I have to get out, I have to get away. So I took a nice long walk alone, went to dunkin donuts and got a muffin and a coffee, sat alone at a table and just thought for a while.
What I've decided is that all this... this is what drives me. I don't want a life like this forever. I want to be successful and I want to be out there and doing things. Living the dream. I know it comes slow and I know I'm not the type of dancer that's going to get the job on the first audition, but I am realistic... I know my strengths I know my weaknesses and I know that all good things come with time. That maybe I wont get the audition I'm going to this weekend, but its okay because I am going to find more auditions to go to for the rest of the summer and maybe I'll get one of those.
Then I came home and did things that usually make me feel better. I listen to music and look for new music, I watch dance, and I look at pictures. Music is inspirational... it always has been what keeps me going (so cliche I know) and I love when I hear one song so I YouTube it and find other songs like it or by the same people, get a little download happy, and then I am satisfied. I also play this game with finding dances where I hit shuffle on my itunes and play a song, once I get the title I will go to YouTube and try to find dances for it. Sometimes its pretty unsuccessful but sometimes I find these amazing pieces that I could watch about a dozen times in a row before I decide look for another. and pictures. Well I've said it before and I'll say it again... I love looking at things, I could sit and look at pictures for hours and hours and hours. I love professional photography, and pictures of homes. I LOVE candids of people.. probably why I like to look at pictures on facebook so much. Its nice to go through albums and see people just living... not posed not trying to do anything fancy or special to make themselves look better.. just being them, living, doing their thing. It makes me really happy. Of course, editing, and posing, and art make me happy too!!
Anyway.. doing all of this for the last couple of hours has got me thinking. Why should I be so upset with the now when I can channel it and use it for the future. Its always going to be lessons learned that will keep us progressing in our lives. The negativity that happens to me when I'm in this house, it makes me want to do something good with my life so I can get out of here. Freaking out about not having money to fix simple things on my car pushes me to want to have any job that's going to help me get ahead so that I don't have to worry anymore. I like looking forward to happy endings in the chapter that I am currently in, so I can have a more positive next chapter. Today I came to the conclusion that I want this chapter to be a slightly smaller one in my life, and I'd like it to end as positively as possible.

You Ever Wish About Impossible Things?

Have you ever just wished for really impossible things to have? Like, The ability to read peoples minds. That is one I wish I had, it would help me a LOT right now!!
I told myself I wanted to do something important this summer while I am home. That something is reconnect with some people who I've lost along the way while being so busy at school for the last few years. The other, to figure out some things with people who I haven't lost touch with during these crazy four years. The second one with someone in particular. Just.. AHHHH. I said to myself "I'm going to figure out his intensions, because I have known what I've wanted from him for four years." well.. as always, men are confusing little creatures.
I know I said I was going to start making my blog actually mean something... but I think this one is really important, because I think that it does have to do with my future.
What if you love someone... even if you aren't sure of what kind of love it is they have back for you, and that makes you scared to leave them? This is how I feel. I want to just kno

whats going on. If I'm heartbroken maybe boarding a plane and moving away to make a name of myself is a great idea. But what if thats not the case. What if he turned around and said "Britteny, I feel the same way." "Britteny, I have real feelings for you" "Britteny, I don't want you to leave me for that cruise ship job for seven months"
I mean lets be serious we are talking about me and my luck with the male population here... so I doubt any of that would be said. I'm just saying... what if I finally figured it out... we finally figured it out... and then two weeks later I was traveling for seven months to a year in the ocean, only to dock once every couple of weeks back home anywhere (depending on where I get to dock from) That makes everything so complicated.

Him and I talked a few mornings ago... It was the morning after my grad party and we were just sitting there and he said to me "you should just go. You have this degree and you should do something with it... just go somewhere with it. Go to Vegas! Go Somewhere!"
He believes in me... and thats amazing and great... but maybe I'm just not ready to go yet.

I got a phonecall today..

and it was a job offer!! I mean we can't jump too much ahead of ourselves. for one- its in Chelmsford, almost an hour commute up 95, and two- as I said before I dont want to spend my entire life just teaching at a dance studio, I want to make a name for myself... but we've all got to start somewhere and I am going to need a job this fall while I keep looking for auditions and I would rather teach out of anything else. So, Monday I have a meeting with Silvia and we will discuss the fall of 2010 where I will be her new tap and hip hop teacher. Its exciting that I had given her my resume to be her stage manager for her recital in a few weeks, and she read it and asked if she could hire me for the fall. That in itself is def a compliment (thanks for all the nitpicking in the resume Marianne, I guess it really did pay off). I guess when we sit down and talk I'm going to have to tell her like it is... I want to be a performer, I want to be on a cruise ship or perhaps on Broadway (preferably a cruise) GAP commercials (a girl can dream) and touring with artists (a girl can really dream!) but you know what... if I can make money teaching dance instead of working at a restaurant then I am a happy camper for the time being!

Time for a change

I've decided after graduating that I want to change the pace of my blog. No more of this whining about how I hate guys and most other people or complain about things. I want to write about more real things now. So now I am going to blog my adventure in BECOMING FAMOUS!!!!
hahaha jk jk jk, maybe not famous.... just... well, a working dancer. That's something that's not the easiest to be. I don't want to be young and strong and talented and wasting all of my time teaching at a dance studio and never doing something that I can look back and say "wow, I really made something of myself."
Not to say I don't love teaching. I love choreographing and teaching and expanding the ideas of other dancers and non dancers but for now I want to do something that's going to take me places, allow me to see the country, see the world, make good money and be proud of myself.

So here we are.. day one.. the first Monday of being a college graduate.
I don't have much accomplished yet but who does after two days of graduating?
My goal this week is to get back into audition shape. I took a nice long walk this afternoon and it made me realize how much I miss the gym. So tomorrow morning I will be waking up and taking off to the Y to spend at least an hour at the gym. I am back at it!!!!

I only have two auditions lined up so far for paying jobs. June 1st is Disney Cruise lines. I'm afraid I'm too "curvy" and "voluptuous" of a body type to be accepted by Disney, but maybe my sweet face will let me pass!!! =)
The next is June 26th, with my dream job, the Celtics Dancer Auditions. I HAVE HAVE HAVE to get in amazing shape for this one!!

other than that, I am working on auditioning for The Roxies, which is the volunteer Brockton Rox Baseball dance team... I figure its a good way to add to my resume and keep dancing. I also have a small side gig choreographing for Dean's Orientation leaders. Its no big at all, and the majority of the OLs aren't even dancers, so while it has to be a fun upbeat dance, it also has to be something that I can make anyone look good doing and be able to pick up. Not the most exciting of choreography jobs, but it pays, and a choreographer has to start somewhere!

its been a while??

Sooooooooo I guess I've fallen behind a little bit on my Blogging. Mostly because its been a crazy past couple of weeks. I had a week of dance finals followed by a week of academic finals, celebrating, decorating caps, reminiscing, crying, and rejoicing. I graduate tomorrow and its really hard to believe that I'm really done. I keep telling all the freshman I know to take advantage of the next three years because its gonna fly. I feel like it was yesterday that I was moving into BoHa for preseason volleyball, meeting sam and chels, laughing at all our crazy first year dance teachers, slip and slides in the hallways.... all moving into the same building soph year. ugh I cant... I gotta stop I'll cry. Its so funny how people have such different experiences of college. I know I dont plug a lot about my school.. but dean really does change your life. Having such a small class (hello 36 srs including arts management and the suffolk dean students) bonds you on such a personal level with people. Saying goodbye to Jill and Nailah keeps getting increasingly hard. saying goodbye to my roommates, my best friends, is getting increasingly hard. I cant believe sam is going to florida, and chelsey is going to vegas... they have been at my side since the first week of school.. having them be so far away seems crazy. AHHH okay okay keeping positive... its a time in my life for great things to happen!!! I'm ready.. I THINK!


-B