I’ve never been that big on how I look. Obviously I do care enough to want to look like a 21 year old girl… shaved legs, brushed teeth, clean face… but I’m happy in a Dean College tshirt and boys sweatpants with my hair in a messy bun any day, and most days. I’ve never been too big on calories or what is good or bad to eat… I always figured I ate pretty well anyhow, and I dance anywhere from one and a half to three hours a day in just classes, on top of another one to two hours of rehearsals a night.
But lately something has changed in me. I’ve started going to auditions for dance jobs (so far just two). Something is so strange about me now. I’ve reverted back to feelings I had when I was thirteen. I’m trying to wear flashier clothing, I’m overly embarrassed about my figure, my skin, I’m wearing tons of make up, I’ve gone tanning twice in the last two weeks, and I’m obsessing over myself in the mirror a lot… sometimes bringing two or more shirts or dresses into the bathroom with me to see what hides and compliments more... bye bye t-shirt.
I haven’t quite figured out this obsession I’ve had lately… but I don’t feel pretty anymore. I used to be accepting of my body. I mean sure there’s the occasional wow I need a little eyeliner, maybe I should go to the gym tomorrow, but never like this. I hate myself for not going to the gym or going for a walk or anything super active for one day, I feel like I’ve been starving myself for most of the day (100 calorie pack here, yogurt there, banana here) and then at some random hour, usually around 4 when my classes are done, I’m starving to the point of feeling sick and I totally veg and feel disgusting again.
I think its been caused by two things recently in my life. One, I have been working in the dance competition circuit now for about a month. This means looking at these girls in these show it all glittery costumes, perfect hair and make-up, pretty smiles, and I’m surrounded by them. Of course there are a few bad apples… there always are, but the rest are very pretty. Second, being cut at these auditions and seeing who stays. What the girls who were cut look like, and what the girls who were kept look like. The ones kept have this big commercial beauty to them. The perfect hair, big smiles, great skin, very photogenic… they could sell you anything just by standing and smiling. I don’t think I’m one of those.
So it got me to thinking. I need some revamping. Yes I want to tone my body more and I want to be thinner, I want to have great skin and great hair… I want to be accepted, but I need to be accepted by me first.
I know I’m not huge into tattoos, I’ve got one, yes, but I want to get a job as a performer and sometimes that’s difficult when you’re inked up, but I want another one, for sentimental reasons. I haven’t quite decided where I want it and I know its going to be a pretty good amount of time before I even get it… but it has a very important message.
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST
Its something I have to learn how to do. I am not always going to think I look great. Some days I might feel fat, some weeks my skin is going to break out, when its humid my hair is going to frizz, and in the wintertime I am going to be pale, but does that make me any less beautiful than the girl covered in bronzer eating her apple with her sweet abs? I’m not perfect… I never want to be. Imperfections are what make people perfect, it makes them human. I just need to remember this. Sometimes I forget, and I fall into this place where I am now; extremely unhappy all the time, hoping a cup of coffee will subdue the hunger pains, and getting little hours of sleep because I am up at night stressing with all these different scenarios thinking maybe if I was just a little prettier, just a little thinner, I could have everything I want. What kind of lie am I feeding myself?
LOVE YOUR BODY
DON’T LET ANYONE ELSE SELL YOUR SHORT FOR HOW AMAZING YOU ARE
DON’T LET A MIRROR LIE TO YOU
DON’T DELETE PHOTOGRAPHS BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU LOOK FAT
KNOW THAT NO ONE CAN LOVE YOU AND APPRECIATE YOU IF YOU CAN’T FIND THE LOVE AND APPRECIATION FOR YOURSELF FIRST.