Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Bouts of thinking and Inspiration.
Today was a rough day for me. I woke up and I was immediately surrounded by all these negative things. I learned my car needed to be fixed and I don't have the money to repair it so I cannot drive anywhere. This means no beach, no dance classes, no way to drop off job applications, I've got nothing.
There was also some conflict in my house today. I couldn't handle it. I grew up in a home that wasn't that happy, if my brother and I weren't fighting then my mother and father were probably fighting. This does not make for a very healthy childhood... so yea sometimes arguments give me panic attacks and I freak out a bit and I have to get out, I have to get away. So I took a nice long walk alone, went to dunkin donuts and got a muffin and a coffee, sat alone at a table and just thought for a while.
What I've decided is that all this... this is what drives me. I don't want a life like this forever. I want to be successful and I want to be out there and doing things. Living the dream. I know it comes slow and I know I'm not the type of dancer that's going to get the job on the first audition, but I am realistic... I know my strengths I know my weaknesses and I know that all good things come with time. That maybe I wont get the audition I'm going to this weekend, but its okay because I am going to find more auditions to go to for the rest of the summer and maybe I'll get one of those.
Then I came home and did things that usually make me feel better. I listen to music and look for new music, I watch dance, and I look at pictures. Music is inspirational... it always has been what keeps me going (so cliche I know) and I love when I hear one song so I YouTube it and find other songs like it or by the same people, get a little download happy, and then I am satisfied. I also play this game with finding dances where I hit shuffle on my itunes and play a song, once I get the title I will go to YouTube and try to find dances for it. Sometimes its pretty unsuccessful but sometimes I find these amazing pieces that I could watch about a dozen times in a row before I decide look for another. and pictures. Well I've said it before and I'll say it again... I love looking at things, I could sit and look at pictures for hours and hours and hours. I love professional photography, and pictures of homes. I LOVE candids of people.. probably why I like to look at pictures on facebook so much. Its nice to go through albums and see people just living... not posed not trying to do anything fancy or special to make themselves look better.. just being them, living, doing their thing. It makes me really happy. Of course, editing, and posing, and art make me happy too!!
Anyway.. doing all of this for the last couple of hours has got me thinking. Why should I be so upset with the now when I can channel it and use it for the future. Its always going to be lessons learned that will keep us progressing in our lives. The negativity that happens to me when I'm in this house, it makes me want to do something good with my life so I can get out of here. Freaking out about not having money to fix simple things on my car pushes me to want to have any job that's going to help me get ahead so that I don't have to worry anymore. I like looking forward to happy endings in the chapter that I am currently in, so I can have a more positive next chapter. Today I came to the conclusion that I want this chapter to be a slightly smaller one in my life, and I'd like it to end as positively as possible.