If music be the food of love...

... I wish to order some take out...

I wrote today. I drove to Dean, met up with the Fro-ster and we went to a music room and just wrote. We don't have music yet, but we've got lyrics (music and lyrics, ever see that movie? way adorable) to TWO songs! here they are:

I'd Tell You

If I had the chance to tell you everything
I would.
I'd tell you I'm not her
Things wouldn't have been the same
and that's what kills me

He has the sweetest eyes
and sings the saddest songs.

Keep chasing your dreams
sweet boy
Keep chasing the light
we once ran for together.
At the end of the road you'll think
you're alone
But baby, I know better.

If I had the chance to tell you everything,
I would
I'd tell you you're crazy
For thinking your dreams would break us.
When following my dreams is what saved me.

He has the sweetest eyes
and sings the saddest songs.

Keep chasing your dreams
sweet boy
Keep chasing the light
we once ran for together.
At the end of the road you'll think
you're alone
But baby, I know better.

Do you really know what it's like
or do you live a lie?
intoxicated on the floor
screaming for more
and trying not to talk to you.
Do you know what its like
to be heartbroken by someone?
Someone like you?

Keep chasing your dreams
sweet boy
Keep chasing the light
we once ran for together.
At the end of the road you'll think
you're alone
But baby, I know better.


I'd tell you everything
I'd tell you everything
I'd tell you
He's got the sweetest eyes
and sings the saddest songs.

Share My Grave

Combing back from the tomb
we once shared
you forgot to put me back
back in my grave.

A part of you is dead
now a part of me is dead too
Leave me kicking and screaming
you're running out scared.

Fill my body up with bones
Either way
You have half my soul
You have half my soul.

Crawling back my limbs fall apart
you know what you took from me
baby, give me back my heart.

I've got your smile
I've got your arms to hold me
Lets make a trade
Lets go back to the start.

Fill my body up with bones
Either way
You have half my soul
 You have half my soul.

Remember we once lived
Rosy cheeked blood running through our flesh
I'd die a thousand ways to see that sunrise with you.
Just a dead lit moon and me wanting to be your best.


Fill my body up with bones
Either way
you have half my soul
Fill my body up with bones
Either way
You have half my soul

Either way you have half my soul
Let me give you the rest.

Fracture

We are only TWO WEEKS AWAY from my first dance show!! =)
October 8th and 9th (fri,sat) at the dance complex in Cambridge MA.
8pm- there are still tickets left.. come see me on my journey to fame! =p

Go to this link and check us out!
http://www.luminariumdance.org/


to buy tickets call 617.477.4494 or email Fracture.Dance@gmail.com
seniors and students are $10, regular admission is $15

Hope to see you there =)

New Things

I took new photographs of Stephanie two nights ago. I LOVE taking photographs... I know I keep saying how badly I want to go back to school, more and more I am leaning towards an MFA in dance or pedagogy... but theres that little piece inside of me that wants to go to photography school. In a perfect world (which I know is so far from true) there would be a school that would let me do both.



I currently have a new song that I cannot get out of my head. Well, its not "New" but being stuck in my head is new. Its "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam





I'm so in love with it. Thank you Pearl Jam.. you have probably been one of the most clutch bands in my 22 years of existence. No matter what I am going through or how happy or sad I am, you always have a song that speaks to me.


I've been writing a lot too, which is new. I have something inside me that is keeping me from being able to express myself through dance. I don't know what it is. I've always been the kind of person who could turn off the lights, turn on a song, and go. Lately it hasn't been that way. I feel stuck, like I am doing the same step over and over and over again, and then just stopping. So I've been writing. Whatever this thing is that is stuck in me I'm going to find a way to fuel it and get it out. My Good friend Fro will actually be around sometime next week to help me with this. Him and I sing together every time we are around each other and he actually started writing his own music. I told him how I've been writing and he wants to help me make some music. This is exciting... I've never written a song before, and I miss singing a lot. Maybe if we get something good I'll have it up here for you guys.

[Fro and I singing for our friends.]

Things with everything else are still the same. I want to know how things are going... but I am being patient, and being strong. Taking things in stride like an adult should. This is also new. I am trying to be mature about things, no matter how much it hurts because I care about him, and sometimes other things need to be put aside so that there is room to follow our dreams.

keep chasing your dreams sweet boy. Keep chasing the light that we once ran for together. At the end of the road you'll think you're alone... oh but baby, I know better <3

The It

Its funny how it works sometimes. The it I'm talking about is relationships.
Alex and I are currently not seeing each other. Who knows if its forever, or for tomorrow but it still sucks. Normally I'm not one to talk about my love life to the blogging world, I like to keep it low key, but I gotta get it out of my system. He is great and sweet and kind, he really is and I understand why it has to be this way. He has this one year, this one shot to get school right this time... he has to be greedy about it and he should. The program is intense already and he's only two days in, he hasn't started any internships or studio time or anything. He really has his head on right about it.. He wants to be top of his class, he wants to prove to everyone what he is made of, and I stand by him 100% for that. It hurts and it sucks but I could never stand in the way of his dreams because he would never try to get in the way of mine.

I just hopes he knows I'm here for him, That I care about him a lot, and that I know school comes first, life comes first, but that will never change how I feel about him.







"He's got the sweetest eyes and sings the saddest songs.. but I, I dance to them anyway."

Day 7 and.. HELP!

Day Seven: Four turn offs

1)Drugs. I don't like them, I never will. Do what you want with them, its not my opinion, but Don't expect me to find you the least bit attractive while you are injecting, inhaling, or snorting anything.

2) Pointless Tattoos. Don't get me wrong here.. I LOVE THE INK! I have one, and want more, myself. However, I do not like it when someone has the little tramp stamp of the butterfly with the swirlies and when asked "why did you get that" and the response is "I don't know, I felt like it.. it looked kinda cool"

3) Bossing females around. Just because I have a uterus does not mean I belong in a kitchen with an apron making you a sandwich! I do things for you when I want to because I like to, not when you feel like you need a personal assistant.

4) People who don't know how to wear their clothes correctly!!!!!!!!!!! There is nothing that I hate more than seeing the entire butt of a guy when the bottom of their shorts reach their ankles. Whats the point of the shorts? you are now wearing pants! A little boxer showing is fine... and sometimes even cute, as the elastic usually shows when a pair of jeans are hanging right. Not to just hate on the guys either... I don't like it when girls don't wear clothes right either. Know how your body works... and don't live in denial. If you are my size why are you wearing an extra small t-shirt? That makes you look fat even when you are not.
I know I am really going on about this, but fashion has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. I am forever going through clothes, finding what works and what doesn't. I'm really big on finding things that compliment your figure so if you're a stick you look curvy and if your maybe "chunky" you look slimmer. I don't know. I seriously could go on for days and days.. with both genders (man am I lucky my boyfriend knows how to dress himself... actually.. that I have had really good luck with dating guys who know how to actually wear clothes.. maybe that's what attracts me to them?). I have always said how I wanted to be a personal shopper for people.. because well.. people need help. But again, I keep blabbing and there is no need to. Can you tell that this is pretty much my biggest turn off?
CHANGING SUBJECTS!


I think my blog needs some help. It needs some major revamping. The only problem is I have no idea how to do it. When I was younger and I was lame and had a live journal and a myspace I felt like I knew how to do tons of stuff to change it up and add things... now I look at it blankly. Look how boring my blog looks.. how overly large the writing section seems, how I want to make separate pages and link them (like an about me or something?), I want to advertise some of my favorite blogs, add side pictures.. anything!!!!!! It needs to not be so dull anymore! Seriously.. if someone helps me out, I will buy you a coffee! (or a tea, if that's what you prefer!)

Day 6

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1)My Maahhh Dukes- Obviously, she gave life.. she supported life, and she always forgives and forgets with her children so easily.. which is great because she gets mad at me a lot!

2)My Sister- A lot of people would think that it kinda stinks to have such a big gap in age with their sister. When I was younger.. it was true.. being five with a fifteen year old sister was tough... it was tough until I was about 17... but now she is one of my best friends, my mentor, and someone I really look up to. Plus, She gave me two awesome nieces and an adorable nephew.. I can't complain!

3) Steven- I'm so grateful to say that I still have my "original" best friend. From 3 years of age.. naps, baths, bike rides, stitches, family parties.. everything! It was fantastic growing up with another half. People always thought we were twins (aside from our brown hair honestly, I think we look very far from related!) because we have that weird bond that most of those dynamic duos have.

4) My MiMi- Otherwise known as gram. I have only had one grandparent for most of my life, and she has always been one of the strongest people I know. 80 years old and she still works her own garden, holds the insane Hyslip Christmas Eve at her house, always is sure to have candy and all 15 of her grandchildren's favorites of everything, and be strong enough to be able to support herself and raise a family herself for the last 14 years.

5) Alex- and everything that comes attached with him.. like his sister, and his roommates. He does more for me then I deserve and is always so kind and willing and sweet. He makes it a little easier to breathe when I freak out, makes me laugh when I call him crying, always makes sure I am safe, and always makes me feel welcome. I am seriously grateful for him. He's like one of those people that looking back you never really realized how you went about your day without them.

In other news: Yesterday was my oldest nieces birthday. Brittiana turned 7 yesterday.. SEVEN!! I can't believe it. I remember my Lynn-Marie and Pedro fighting over her name over dessert while all of us laughed like it was yesterday. I remember finding out it was a girl, being so excited and honored when I found out she was going to be named after me (and her Tia, Ana), the battle me and my brother had for her to say auntie or uncle first... and winning the battle. Gosh it seems crazy now.. she's gotten so old! [Winter and summer of 2008.. Tiana's only 4, and so tiny!]

I didn't buy her a present yet because she wants so much it just blows my mind. So at dinner yesterday I made a deal with her. After she finishes her homework I am taking her shopping today to pick out whatever she wants, then we are going to go out to dinner. I asked her where she wanted to go to dinner thinking I would get a usual second graders response of "FRIENDLYS! PIZZA! ANYWHERE WITH ICE CREAM!" What was I thinking? of course Tiana would not give me an answer like that. As soon as I told her the very first thing that came out of her mouth was "Long Horn Steakhouse.. and can we get the three sauce dipping chicken appetizer?" ....excuse me? Did you just turn 7, or 17?

[Fall of 2010, first day of 2ND grade!]

Day 5

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Today I'm not going to post about this. Why you ask? Because I am a firm believe that you should never regret something you once did. I don't have anything that I look back and say "wow I wish I could go back in time and change this." For one... I make great decisions... (;p) and for two.. I believe that when you're about to do something, if you have to sit back and say (am I gonna regret this later?) then you probably just shouldn't do it.

sorry for the disappointment.. I know this one seems like a juicy one.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

ok so I fail at doing this ten days in a row.. but its okay.. I'm still getting it done!

7 things that cross my mind a lot.

1- I SHOULD REALLY GO TO THE GYM! (I say this to myself like every five minutes)
2- not living at home.
3-a real dance job, with a paying company
4-choreography, what am I going to do, I should work on some things
5-music... I need to find more.. I need some for my classes.. I need some for my classes thats not going to drive me up a wall
6-If I'm really ready to teach younger kids
7-Alex.. of course.. I don't get to talk to him much during the week anymore.. I wonder a lot what he is doing while I'm running around like a mad woman.






In other news.. The weekend was great! I got to go to Dean and see some old friends and celebrate Laura's 22nd! Had some drinks, caught up with everyone... oh.. AND BROUGHT BACK THE BANANA SUIT! Saturday was my cheer squads first game! Alexa and I were super nervous about it.. and three of the girls ended up there only 15 minutes before game time when they were suppose to be there an hour before game time.. which freaked us out a bit! It all worked out in the end.. they did great! I have pictures and a video but I'm at work right now (shhhh I'm totally working hard!) so I'll have to post them a little later! afterwards I got to meet with Nailah and Jean oh oh oh and Miss Alivia for a Janbe event! I am going to be blogging more about it later so you all get to know about it... but it was really awesome seeing everyone! We have a lot of work for this next fund raiser.. but I think its going to work out awesome.
Sunday.. Sunday was football.. football.. football.. oh.. and more football with Alex! I mean... what else would you have done??

Hope everyone else had a great weekend! =)

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

wow.. 8 ways to win my heart? I wonder if I can think of 8.

1. Marylou's Coffee. I know.. I had to... but its the truth! You show up with a cup of iced girl scout cookie and I'd probably love you forever.

2. Sharing your creativity. I like creative souls... because I have one. I believe that everyone has some sort of talent and they should be comfortable enough to share it with the people they love.

3. writing me letters. I write and hide little notes all the time. I generally just like to write. I feel like I can say what I really want when I have a pen in my hand. I want so badly to have one in return. I've never gotten a love letter myself (strange how that works... isn't the boy suppose to write to the girl anyway?)

4. Being appreciative of the little things. I like to do things for people.. not like go out and save the world things... but little things. I like to get you a second cup of coffee without you asking, or make the bed you let me sleep in. I do like it when I get a little love back.

5. Holding my hand in public. I know.. so simple right? I like knowing that someone wants to be seen as being with me.

6. Liking the fact that I am a tomboy. I like it when I get a turn to play the video games.. or get invited to watch the football game at the bar. I understand mantime is needed.. I'm all about the bromances and the mandates.. but I like sports, games, action movies and so on, and I'd like to share that with you.

7. watching movies with me. I really like to just snuggle up and watch movies. A perfect rainy day would consist of snuggling on the couch together under a blanket with a good movie.

8. Slow Dance with me. I don't care how bad you are or how much you lack rhythm.. but I wanna dance with you... plain and simple.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

I feel like this one is hard... I don't want to scare you all away.. but I don't want to give you really lame things like "my favorite color is orange" .. lets be serious who doesn't know that?

1. I had the same dog for 16 years and he was my very best friend. We were like Doug and Porkchop. I was by myself for most of my childhood, but I always had him. 3 years later and I still miss him, think I hear him barking at a car, smell him in the spot of my floor where he slept every night when my rug gets wet... I don't think I would be as loving a person I am if I didn't have that dog to love as much as I did and still do.

2. I lose everything!! and I really don't understand how it happens. I am fairly organized. I like the comfort of knowing that everything has a place (yes I know sometimes my stuff looks like its everywhere and gets crazy.. sometimes when I'm really busy and crazy in and out it turns into a lot of drop and go) but I can't seem to hold on to the simplest things. I am always losing and finding (and sometimes not finding =/) things.

3.I never give myself enough credit. I guess its the dancer in me but I always feel like I could try a little harder, do a little more, always room for improvement... I never seem to know when enough is good enough.

4. I really want to design and have my own home built one day. I know it is something that is in my wildest dreams.. but I would love it if I could have a space built the way I want it, as well as a fresh slate to just decorate it the way I envision it.. as apposed to the "well I guess we can work with this space." hm.. maybe one day.

5. My favorite flowers are Gerber Daisies. They make me happy.. extremely happy. I really love getting flowers. I know most people think they are lame because you spend money on them and then they die.. but I love them so much!!! Gerber Daisies just come in fantastic colors.. like bright orange =)

6. I can't decide what I want to do with my degree. Again.. I am overly ambitious. I love everything. I want to perform with this group and this company and in this show, I want to be a permanent fixture in a company, I want to own a company, .. I want to teach at a studio, I want to travel and teach master classes, I want to go back to school for dance, I want to go back to school for something else... I just want it all... it is a problem!

7. my favorite thing to do on a rainy day is to snuggle on the couch all day with a hot cup of coffee or hot chocolate and watch movies. In general I just love snuggling, watching movies, and coffee... When there is an excuse to do all three at once, life is good.

8. I really like old things. I like to look at old photographs, I think clothing that has more of a vintage style fits better to my body type (were all the women in the 60's big bottomed? if so.. thanks for being that way!) I think retro furniture is really cool.. and I love vinyls as opposed to having a cd... well.. okay.. I like both.. but there is something about playing Jimi Hendrix on a vinyl that just sounds so much better than him being digital.

9. I wish my wallet allowed me to be more fashion forward. I like to be trendy.. I have many intentions to be very stylish.. my bank account doesn't agree. I've always said if I won the lottery the second thing I would do with the money (the first being pay off school) would be to get rid of at least 2/3rds of my clothes and start over again. It would be hard being as I do have a hard time parting with clothing but If I got the opportunity to spend a good 3+ grand on new clothes.. I think I can very easily bag up a good 4 bags for the good will!

Sure.. I'll do it! DAY ONE

Ten days straight of blogging.. each with a different topic.. a list if you will! =)

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day Ten: One confession.

DAY ONE- ten things to say to ten people...

1)Samantha- I know we say it every day... but I really do miss you. Its funny how everyone always says "you meet your best friend in college" because I already thought I had that going to school with Stephanie... it took you leaving to realize how much you impacted me. You are a sister, a best friend, an amazing cake maker, and a fantastic roommate... I cannot wait to have you back in my life!

2)Stephanie- stop living in Bridgewater! It gets hard having my best friend be 20 minutes away instead of just a bike ride. I still can't believe we have been best friends for 11 years now. I love that I can tell you absolutely anything and you would never judge, you would never think less of me.. you just accept me as I do for you. I don't know what I would do without you.. you're seriously a lifeline, its been so weird/awkward/uncomfortable not waking up to my best friend every day.

3) Alex- Thank you.. thank you thank you thank you. Half the time I don't even know what to thank you for.. but I want to thank you.. for making me laugh when I want to cry.. for being really good at sharing the blankets... for holding my hand... for playing your guitar for me... for always walking on the outside of the sidewalk because you want me to be safe... for cooking... for all the coffee... for laughing at me... for letting me keep a toothbrush at yourr place cuz I know I'd forget to bring mine or leave it at your place... for being so appreciative of all the little things... for taking me for the weird never-put-together awful lucked word maker upper type person I am, accepting it, and liking me anyways.

4)Mom- Thank you for being accepting to the fact that I am an adult now, but still be willing to be there when I slip up.

5)Alivia- I can't say how excited I am that you are coming to live in Mass. I've been so sad that everyone has gone their separate ways and after a summer full of reading each others blogs, tweeting each other, and prolly creeping each other on facebook it will be REALLY NICE to finally sit down to a glass of wine and catch up on all the madness that is our lives! It's a nice feeling to have friends coming close =)

6)Steven- I miss being 5 with you... I miss it being you, me, and Josh hanging around, climbing trees, breaking bones, breaking dolls, riding bikes and making epic hot wheels tracks. I love that you are my best friend, and I love you... you give me that sense of security that home isn't where you live but who you're with.

7) Jill Silverman- I know you will NEVER read this... but I owe you so much. I was a lost foolish kid who had this insane dream to be a dancer when I grew up and you worked me.. made me cry, made my body sore and broken, made me sweat, made me hate you, made me fear you, and made me the most thankful person to be able to take this age old tradition of pink tights and tutus and turn it into something beautiful and true and to love what I do even more. I never touch a barre without thinking about you or wishing that I was in your class sweating, laughing, and being yelled at from across the room because you have eyes in the back of your head. Thank you for the 13 things, thank you for believing in me, thank you for breathing this new life in me to want to unfold and teach to others.

8) Sarah- I miss creating with you. I miss laughing and crying and sharing every detail of our lives. I think it is strange that people say your soul mate is the person that you are suppose to marry and spend their entire life with.. why not your best friend? I think.. you are my friend soul mate... we get each other, we trust each other, we understand what each other are trying to think to say or how we are trying to move... idk.. you get it.. you get me.. and that's a really hard thing to get.. I really appreciate it.

9) Danny and Prev... (yep you count as one) I miss you guys... I miss the old crew. I understand the whole "we get older and we all fall in love" and I know that causes us to separate... but some of the best moments of my life come from the summers I have spent with you... driving hanging out the windows of cars, going to walmart at midnight just to sit in the chairs isle and have a meeting, the constant trips to 7/11. Monthly breakfast dates, doing whatever it takes to dry my tears. You two have always been in such a special place in my heart... you make me feel alive, young, and free when I feel so old and broken.

10) Tyler- Listen kid... I know you're just my boyfriend's roommate... and I know we don't talk too much aside from the whole joking around and taking shit about each other.. but you're good people, a good soul. I know you always want to go to talk to Alex about things when he's not around... but if you need anything and he's not there.. I always am. You open up your home for me and you'll skype me just so Alex can say hi, and you're really cool about everything the least I can do is be a good ear and a good friend. I hope you like the strawberry cheesecake.. I tried my hardest!

Thats it until tomorrow night =)

why is the long weekend over? back to the grind! happy work week all!

I'm Sorry I've Been Slacking!!

I know.. what is wrong with me? I love my blog, I do!!!! I usually find so many interesting things to write about from photographs and movies and just things that bother me. The journey of my life as a "Struggling Artist" and how sometimes I really feel like I'm not good enough to be a professional though I've got potential... how much I love class... how much I miss class... how much I want to go to grad school... but lately.. there is nothing..

The last few days I have been sick, so I'm sure that has been a large part of my mental block.. but I think right now, I feel stuck.
I had this amazing opportunity to work with the WRUSH Crew a few months ago, due to my schedule this summer I was unable to rehearse with them and now I feel like I may have lost my chance. I want to work with Marcos, he is so talented.
Now I have a guest spot with Luminarium. They are a new small company.. New and Small and I can't get a permanent fix with them... I am a guest performer. It will be great on a resume and I am really excited to perform in October.. but my goodness I want to be in a working company.. HELP!!!!!


[stress stress stress stress]

Tomorrow I have a meeting with Dance Works to go over the fall class schedule. I am ill prepared. It's been so long since I taught a class... I feel like I don't have the right music, that I am not going to be good... failing as a teacher is a big deal when you are working to create the artists of tomorrow!!!! I'm so nervous.. I am SO NERVOUS!!!!
I need binders, and separators, and notebook paper,(I thought I was done with buying school supplies?) and blank cds, and a new ipod because I cannot select music because of my dumb button and so can't use it for class and it doesn't hold all my music (come on its only 2,314 songs!!!) and I am going to have more music to download to use for classes and recitals and other shows and OH I DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY FOR ANY OF IT!!!! (thank you to exstream solutions for not giving me a paycheck yet... no big deal I don't only have $20 in my bank account)

okay okay maybe we should get into some positives??
ALEX GOT A JOB AT TEMPO!!! It's this little bistro on Moody Street in Waltham and I think you all should go, especially on a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday because he will more than most likely be working!
He had a test run yesterday to see if he would get the job and he was nervous (he smoked a whole pack of cigarettes before 3:30.. yuck!) but he did great. I knew he would... he just never believes me... silly boyfriend!
The only downer is that now he is not going to have much free time anymore. I work weekdays until about five now a days and he'll be going to school Monday through Thursdays so we pretty much had the weekends to spend together.. now we will have small portions of the weekends to spend together.
I shouldn't complain about it, some relationships have to go very long periods of time in between seeing each other. I am blessed to only have to go 5 days in between sightings but he makes me feel so at ease and comfortable that it is one of the biggest gifts ever to just see him after a long 5 days. Good thing I like(love!!) his roommates.. the three of us will be spending more time together on weekends now!




anything else new in my life? No, I don't think so.. my car still needs new tires I cannot afford, I still drink coffee like its crack, and I'm still searching for my dream dancing job.
Speaking of.. September 10Th is the auditions for the Radio City Rockette Christmas Spectacular. Why don't I live in New York again??? All the auditions I want to go to are there... but man I love Boston way too much. I think I would have separation anxiety.

[Plymouth studios please hurry up so I do not have to move away from my beautiful home!]